Why Is Restarting Incredibly Difficult?

The paralyzing fear of restarting and the constant cycle of starting, pausing, and the fear of starting over. 

Hello, I’m back from the dead. 

I’ve struggled to write this post for months because I felt like I was a failure. I felt that it had been so long since I’ve posted, that there was no point in me restarting. So then I became stuck in a limbo of “I want to do this thing,” but “restarting feels so daunting.” The cycle felt crippling. It felt hard to break out of it, but the only way to break out of it, is to do it; which in itself is incredibly difficult. And this was only the simple task of writing a blog post. This weighs very little in the grand scheme of things. No one is looming over my shoulder, forcing me to do this. No one is losing out by NOT doing this. The stakes are truly so low, and yet, it still felt daunting. 

I have reminders of to dos and tasks on my phone, and every week I would see the “Write Blog Post” reminder show up. And every week, I would stare at it day after day until it became Saturday again. I would continue to brainstorm content ideas. I would continue to look at my blog, and receive the blog scam emails from people trying to sell me things, and I would just feel this weight on my shoulders. Almost like it was something else taking up space in my already overloaded head. 

I felt like I was failing myself because I started this blog as a rebrand of myself. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. I thought that this would be an amazing way for me to make money while doing something I love (writing) and having the flexibility of being at home. I saw all these influencers who had blogs and were so successful, and I wanted to try it too. I wanted to engage with followers. I wanted to do all these things, but I quickly got discouraged—something that I struggle with a lot, and am currently trying to overcome. 

I saw that my view count was one view per post. One view. And you know whose view it was? Mine. 

It didn’t help that I discontinued my social media. I wasn’t advertising my posts. I couldn’t figure out SEOs. All my “readers”—shout out to Aunt Traci—no longer knew when I posted something. And, unfortunately for me, I am soooo not tech-savvy that I can’t figure out how to do it. All this to say, I felt like I was failing. I felt like my life rebrand was a failure. I felt like “who am I to do this? Why did I think I could be successful from this?” 

Because the thing is that no one tells you about when you’re looking to make money from blogging: most people make money from affiliate links and online courses. Quite honestly, both of those things feel scammy. Of course, I hadn’t known this when I set up my blog. I was thinking, “I’ll use this as an outlet for my life rebrand. I’ll set up my social media, and have all these different streams of income because obviously I’ll be the one in a million to be a viral influencer.” I’ll go into what I learned in the process of attempting to be an influencer in another post. But the point is, I felt like a failure, so I just… stopped. I stopped blogging. I started focusing on other outlets. I started focusing on writing a book. I started doing other things, and put blogging on the backburner. 

So something I’m committing to is restarting. I’m committing to starting over even when it’s hard. Even when it feels daunting. Even when I feel scared. I’m giving myself grace. Life is hard. Being a mom is hard. Trying to figure out who I am, is hard. It’s difficult to get back on the horse after such a long break. 

So who am I writing for? I think that’s the biggest question I need to answer. I think I started this blog with all the wrong intentions. I started it for others when really, I needed to start it for myself. I am writing for myself, and not to get thousands of followers—although, don’t get me wrong, that would certainly be nice—but that isn’t the main goal. I’m not a failure for starting and stopping and starting again. I’m not a failure because I took months to write a blog post. I’m not a failure for feeling the pressure of disappointment. Because I just have to continue proving to myself that I can try again. I can do this. Even if I have to stop and come back many times. 

If you find yourself in the same dilemma where you have a fear of restarting, just know that I see you. I feel you. Whether it’s healthy eating, a hobby, going for walks, working out, baking bread. Anything. It’s okay that you stopped. It’s okay that you want to try again. I hear your apprehension. I feel your anxiety. The restarting cycle is difficult. Just know that you aren’t alone. We’re in this together. And we aren’t failures because we stop sometimes. We’re committing to restarting. 

XX Marcella