Struggling with Postpartum Depression & Anxiety and Prenatal Depression & Anxiety
Postpartum Depression affects around 1 in 8 women after pregnancy; although the number can be as high as 1 in 5 due to underreporting or lack of resources according to PostpartumDepression.org. Prenatal Depression (PND) and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (PPD/PPA) are more than baby blues. Symptoms present differently in each person, can present up to a year after having a baby, and if you feel like you are experiencing any PPD/PPA or PND/PNA symptoms, please reach out to a healthcare professional.
There is a misconception about these diseases. These diseases aren’t just sitting and crying all the time. It goes deeper than that. PND & PPD aren’t just crying and not wanting to be pregnant anymore. It’s giving birth to your baby and feeling no connection. It’s feeling your baby on your chest for the first time and wanting to get him off of you–completely disconnected from the moment and thinking, “okay, onto the next one.” It’s feeling intense anger at your 2.5 year old toddler for not walking fast enough. It’s anger at yourself for being a failure. It’s apathy at the pile of dishes and clothes that have sat in the same spot for days. It’s hating every second of breastfeeding and wanting to get your newborn baby off of you as soon as possible–even if that means cutting the feed short, as long as he isn’t touching you anymore. It’s debilitating. It’s heartbreaking.
I could go into how PPD made it so I was disconnected from my friends and family. I could discuss how I hated myself. I hated going for walks and working out. I constantly felt lost and like I hated being a mom. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted. I felt like I made all the wrong choices. I felt like all the time, money, and energy I spent in schooling was a waste. I felt dumb. I felt like a waste of space. The list goes on and on.
It was a heavy weight on my chest of feeling so much anger, unhappiness, and dissatisfaction. I wasn’t sitting and crying everyday. I barely cried at all. I didn’t stay in bed all day, I still did everything I was “supposed” to do–except for chores. I went out with my kids. I smiled. I laughed. But I wasn’t happy. I felt an intense apathy that I was really good at hiding.
This postpartum experience felt very different from my last. Last time, I also was diagnosed with PPD and PPA, but more on the PPA side. I was scared to leave the house. I was scared to go in the car with my baby because I thought someone would car-jack us and steal my baby. I was terrified that something and everything was wrong with him and I wasn’t doing anything right–beyond the new parent uncertainty. I reached out to my doctor, went to a therapy group, made some friends, and joined a gym. I felt so much better. But this last time… it was completely different. I didn’t care. I didn’t care if something happened to me or even to my family. I couldn’t bring myself to go outside for a walk without feeling so much anger. I couldn’t sit outside without feeling guilty that I was “wasting time” and sitting around instead of doing chores–the chores that continued to remain not done.
PPD has been the hardest journey that I have ever experienced. Through a lot of reflection–and therapy sessions–it was determined that my feelings began pre-pregnancy. I had been feeling lost and unsure of who I was since having my first son. But it was amplified during my second pregnancy. Prior to getting pregnant with H, I was in the best shape of my life. In the first few weeks, I gained 10 pounds. The entire pregnancy I was bitter about gaining weight, I was upset with myself for worrying about it, and I was extremely anxious if the pregnancy would stick. I didn’t even get to enjoy the idea of being pregnant because the first 5 months, I was worried about losing the baby (more than usual). After that though, I was upset that I had to get maternity clothes, or that my husband wouldn’t find me attractive anymore. I didn’t enjoy the kicks and the movements. I didn’t think, “wow, I’m so lucky,” I was just upset. Which was really hard for me to reconcile because I knew that I was happy to be pregnant. I was happy to be growing our family. But I was having a hard time recognizing and accepting the changes that were happening to my body. It was hard. I knew I would be able to lose the weight, but vainly, it was emotionally crushing.
PND and PPD, rocked my world. These diseases were extremely difficult on me, my husband, my boys, and my home. Through therapy, it was determined that I was already struggling with a lot of these feelings of self-doubt and lack of self-worth. Depression is genetic and lucky me, I got both depression and anxiety. It’s something I will have to be cognizant of in any future pregnancy. It’s something that I manage with therapy, medication, and forcing myself to do things like workout, go for walks, and try new hobbies.
If you are experiencing anything like this, you’re not alone. If you need someone to talk to, I got you. If you feel like no one will understand, I promise I do. If you are trying to figure out who you are after pregnancy, I am too. Let’s do it together.
Thank you for reading my very vulnerable and word-vomit post. I know it wasn’t the lightest of topics, but I hope you enjoyed it.