Discussion of Ayesha Curry’s interview with “Call Her Daddy”
Something has been weighing on me recently. Something that isn’t discussed enough and it’s something that is a bit controversial. There was an interview done with Ayesha Curry recently. She was discussing the lack of fulfillment she has felt. She didn’t imagine that her life would solely revolve around being someone’s wife and a mother. She imagined that there would be more for her. She acknowledged she strived to create a name for herself and build her own brand, but none of it really turned out. She delved into how it made her sad that her legacy would only be this. She has been receiving a lot of hate on the internet. People are saying “you should be grateful. So many people would love to be in your position. Your husband doesn’t beat on you or cheat on you. Why are you being so ungrateful?” But so little is actually shown in the short clips that are circulating on the internet, but I think it’s bringing up an opportunity to discuss the deeper issue.
She stated in the interview with “Call Her Daddy,” that she had career aspirations growing up and she always thought she would be the career woman. But then she met her now husband so young and some dreams shifted. She got married at 22 and had kids shortly after that. She got lost in building this life, at such a young age, she didn’t really get the opportunity to discover herself or follow those initial career aspirations.
I truly resonate with her. I understand her feelings of sadness and loss. I empathize with her because I’m also her.
I had career goals and aspirations. I still do, but they shifted when I met my now husband in college. I was 22 when we got married. Right out of college. I never really traveled or explored with my girlfriends. I was in love and nothing else mattered. We got pregnant soon after. It was me, I really wanted a baby. I wanted a little T walking around. I wanted a little us. When we told people we were pregnant, so many people were shocked. They thought I would never have a baby or at least wait until I was older because I had always been so career-oriented. I brushed it off because my goals and wishes changed.
But a few months after O was born I began to question what I was doing. I was mourning the life I didn’t have, but also the possibilities. I was mourning the dreams and aspirations I had. I mourned who I was and the freedom that came with it. But I also mourned the fact that I wasn’t cherishing every moment with my new baby and our new family. I mourned the life I couldn’t give him. I felt like I couldn’t win. I felt like everything I did was wrong and every choice I made wasn’t the right one. I mourned my body and my freedom and the ability to take a sh*t without holding a crying baby.
T tried to resonate with me. He tried to understand but he couldn’t. Yes he became a dad, but he gave up very little in terms of his goals and career aspirations. At least in my eyes.
All this to say, this mourning of life unlived and the ever-present mom guilt is suffocating. I want to do what is best for my kids and my family, but what about what is best for me? Is it selfish to want things for myself, outside of the home? I know I was the one that made the decision to stay home, but it was also not financially feasible for me to work on a teacher’s salary. I know I won’t be getting this time back and they’ll only be so young for so long, but what about the part of my brain that feels like it’s melting or the part of my soul that is slowly withering away every time I sacrifice another part of myself? What about the things I’ve always wanted to do?
These questions and more weigh heavily on me and I’m sure they weigh on many other women and mothers. I worry about my boys and their futures. I worry about their characters and how they’ll be with future partners if I’m always home. Studies have shown that boys have more successful lives and relationships if they had working mothers growing up. They contribute more to household chores and are more equitable in relationships. Am I inadvertently harming them because I wanted to be there with them while they’re growing up? Am I harming myself?
I know it seems like I’m ungrateful and I’m unhappy and cynical. It’s the opposite. I recognize my privilege to be home with my children. I recognize the sacrifices my husband makes so we can be on one income. I know that people would kill to be in my position. I am extremely grateful. But I’m also an individual. My whole life isn’t my husband and kids. They can be a part of my legacy and not the whole thing. I can strive and do more. It might mean sacrificing time or hiring the occasional babysitter, without missing out on the important things. I can be a working mom (whatever that entails) and still love my husband and kids. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. It isn’t black and white. That is what people have to recognize. Some people (i.e. men) will never understand because they will never be women or mothers. But they should try to be more understanding, stay in their lane, and respect that mothers are individuals too.