Changing my life after my mental health struggles
I like to think that I am basically the same person I have always been, but I don’t think that’s true. Sure, I have characteristics and actions that are the same. I have said some of the same phrases and jokes for decades, but I am different. Not to be a downer, but mental health issues have changed me.
I feel like a lot of people see a bubbly and happy young woman–and most of the time I am–but I have also struggled with eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. These are constant struggles that I have to be aware of probably for the rest of my life.
I was out with a friend recently and she brought up how she’ll be on some form of anti-depressants for the rest of her life and it kind of hit me as an “Oh shit” moment.
I thought, “I had never considered that.”
Yes, it is a constant struggle. It is something I will most likely be on for the rest of my life. It took me a moment to wrap my head around it. But after a while, I realized that it’s okay. It’s okay that I need help to feel okay. There shouldn’t be any shame in that.
But mental health is only one piece of the puzzle. I had fallen off my path of growth and self-actualization. I did things because I thought it was expected of me. Almost every choice I made up until recently, was one made with others or based on others’ opinions. I felt I needed to ask permission to make the smallest decisions. I lacked confidence. I pretended to have confidence, but it was all for show.
I think so much of my life has been about people pleasing and doing what I thought was right. I didn’t really stop to think if it was what I wanted. I didn’t stop and think, “Is this right FOR ME.” It feels selfish to think this. It feels selfish to say no and to set boundaries. It feels selfish to take time for myself and care about myself. I am having to constantly remind myself that I am important. That not taking care of myself has led me here–to feel the way I have. Not to say I hate my life or the choices I made. I love my life and I love my family. Nobody forced me to be this way or to act this way. It was a role I fell into and was most likely influenced by my previously unacknowledged mental health struggles.
As a chronic people pleaser, setting boundaries is a task so daunting that it makes my stomach go in knots just thinking about it. But it’s something I need to do. It is something I am working on. It is a part of my growth journey. I’ve realized the kind of person I was and who I want to be. I’m certainly not saying that I hate how I was. I am acknowledging that that version of myself was a bit lost. I fell off my path. I forgot who I was and I’m taking my life back. I’m acknowledging that I have significant growth to do and it may seem daunting, but it is a challenge I’m wholeheartedly accepting.
I do affirmations with my son every morning. I think it’s time I do them for myself too. Perhaps they’ll be a good reminder for you.
I am giving myself grace. It is not selfish to take care of myself. I am loved. I am confident. I am kind. I am capable. I am a strong person.